Have you heard the phrase “behind every successful man, there is a woman”? Or has someone quipped to you, while in the middle of an emotional break-up, “the best revenge is living well”? The implication behind these phrases is that you should move on, be happy, live well and the rest will take care of itself. What is ignored or suppressed is that our desire for revenge is usually the catalyst to help us live well. The German have a term, Schadenfreude for which no English linguistic equivalent exists. The concept however, definitely exists in most human beings. Schaden (adversity or harm) and Freude (joy) when put together vaguely translates as pleasure from watching someone else’s misfortune.
I suspect North American’s deny an equivalent term because we would never publicly encourage, or even privately acknowledge, spite towards one another. Instinctually, we are taught to be defensive about admitting there are times when SPITE has been the catalyst for our success. North Americans would rather suppress those unfriendly feelings whereas Europeans passionately roar “hell hath no fury like a woman scorned” (Shakespeare).
If we allow spite to fester, could we excel into excellence, and become the brilliant person we are meant to be?
In James Franco’s Inside the Actors Studio interview, he confesses that jealousy over his college girlfriend’s “kissing scene” propelled him to sign up for acting class. After begging her not to do the romantic acting scene Franco amusingly recalls, “I got very upset and then I used that as an excuse, I said ‘ok, if you’re gonna do that, then I’m gonna act too’ and so…(I’ll show you) … I went to the drama teacher and I asked if I could be in the class…” Post-college James Franco is a known Hollywood name, receiving a 2011 Best Actor Oscar Nod for his role in 127 hours. His college sweetheart, Jasmine, is nothing more than a story told to James Lipton as a beginning on his road to stardom and success.
Can success at the cost of our own or someone else’s pain make us happy and can we fulfill one personal void with another fulfillment?
Similarly the three-time Oscar winning movie, The Social Network, will not soon be forgotten. Neither will the mystery surrounding the Hollywood dramatization that implied Facebook was essentially created as geek’s angry response to rejection from a girl. The opening sequence is a witty dialogue between an unknown college boy (Zuckerberg) and his “girlfriend” (Jessica Albright). Jessica breaks up with Zuckerberg in a campus pub, for being an egotistical self-centered jerk, which propels him to rush home and create the Facebook Website in a fit of animosity.
Zuckerberg (being a true polite North American) was offended by implications of the Hollywood dramatization, claiming it was all fiction and that filmmakers "can't wrap their head around the idea that someone might build something because they like building things." Regardless of his statement the evidence that “a girl named Jessica Alona the woman whom he [now infamously] lashed out on his blog is real” and the famous blog in which he calls her a “b*tch” while creating Facemash is public domain.
The final sequence of the film is an ironic image of Zuckerberg, the owner of Facebook, trying to add his ex-girlfriend as a “friend” on a site he created, owns, and launched. He attained success, notoriety and money but still has an implied void without having her friendship back. Story-telling aside I am sure that experience is one we have all related to at some point in our life.
Embracing a hurt feeling, challenge, or broken heart might be a key element to becoming our greatest selves.
Blunt British Grammy Award winning singer/song writer Adele has had no problem admitting her latest chart toping album, 21, is primarily based on unsent letters she wrote after her ex-boyfriend broke up with her. She tells interviewer Chelsea Lately, "I think he's a bit bitter, because the album is doing better than anyone expected." The mtv.co.uk website posted Adele’s comments on the ex-to-success situation saying: "For about a week he was calling and was deadly serious about it [collecting Royalties for her songs]. Finally, I said, 'Well, you made my life hell, so I lived it and now I deserve it… He really thought he'd had some input into the creative process by being a p****. I'll give him this credit - he made me an adult and put me on the road that I'm travelling."
Adele openly admits singing songs about him are still an emotional experience for her. However it’s hard to ignore that using the pain he inflicted made her songs publically relatable and therefore a huge success.
Go ahead, hold a grudge! Use it, achieve from it and THEN move on…
While not exactly Schadenfreude there is something delicious about using our resentment or pain to drive us toward something great; Losing 10 pounds, writing a famous song, landing that career you want, getting your degree, or finding love (a better love) than the last isn’t a horrible thing. The hard part is appreciating YOU attained your achievement and that it won’t directly fix the wrong that was done to you in the first place. Instead of pretending resentment doesn’t drive us we should embrace our spite for personal success.
Even as I sit here writing this article, I can’t help but wish that someone would scorn me a-la-Shakespeare, so in my moment of pain I can get passionately in touch with my inner Lady MacBeth. I would relish the chance to release my fury, spite my way to success and maybe even a million dollars.
Michelle Cameron - Creativity in Progress
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